We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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