You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
