my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
