Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
