I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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