Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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