You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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