i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
