Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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