sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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