Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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