I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
So much rum. So many feels.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
