I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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