I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
