Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize