please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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