you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
