there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
