I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
