I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
