Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
