nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
