we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
