We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
