Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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