Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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