My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Randomize
