just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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