We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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