soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
