Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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