my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize