I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I want her autograph on my taint
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
