You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
