pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
