Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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