dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
