I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
How many fucks given?
0.12846
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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