It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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