So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
3 2 1 whiskey
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
