i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
