you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
