I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize