sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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