I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize