I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
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