I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
