I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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