Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
