I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
she told me i tasted like america
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize