the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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