I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
