So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
