I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
