Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
